Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Special Occasions

This is a weird thing to try and explain, and I'm not sure whether it's something that's 'Normal' to feel in a situation similar to ours, but for me, special occasions hit me straight in the gut like nothing else.

Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversaries, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Weddings, Easter, Halloween - you name it, it hurts. Every occasion since we began on our TTC journey I have said to myself 'Next time we'll have our baby' and that next time hasn't come around yet.

Mothers Day and Fathers Day are obviously the worst, a reminder of what you want to be more than anything in the world, but that you are not. Fathers Day this year fell just weeks after our first miscarriage, when I found out I was pregnant I was so excited that I would finally be able to buy Andrew a card 'from bump' and write in it about how excited they were to meet him and about what an amazing dad he was going to be. I remember after it happened I considered buying him a card anyway, but I didn't. I didn't want to upset him but also, because I miscarried so early on, I had this horrible, heavy feeling in my chest, as though for some reason I hadn't earned the right to do that. I don't know why I felt like that, I find it really hard when I think back to that time now, that was our baby, the baby we had created together after so long thinking we couldn't and nothing will ever change that.

Another reason I find these occasions so difficult, and one I feel many women TTC can probably relate to, is having no choice but to be around other mums and their babies. I find these situations and the emotions that come with them so incredibly hard to manage, especially being around a group of mums. I see them giving each other knowing glances, hear them exchanging tips, they might have a moan about how tired they are or how naughty their little ones have been, and I can't join in. No one is intentionally trying to leave me out, but I feel left out, and I find myself feeling really resentful towards them for it - that's when the guilt sets in. Why shouldn't they exchange those glances? Why shouldn't they swap tips? Why shouldn't they be able to complain when they haven't has a decent nights sleep for weeks on end? In the end, it comes down to jealousy, which is something I found quite difficult to acknowledge for a good long while. There are so many negative characteristics that go along with jealousy and I have to admit, it really does bring out the worst in me. I become introverted, bitter and insecure and quite often take it out on the people closest to me, my husband and my mum, and then I feel even more alone. It's a vicious circle.

Christmas has always been my favourite time of year, anyone who knows me knows that, but this year I am dreading it. I should be 8 months pregnant with a beautiful baby by then, waddling around with my hand on my back in that way pregnant women do, and joking that I could go into labour at any minute. Or I should be 6 months pregnant with our precious twins, feeling so incredibly lucky that we waited so long for one, and then we were blessed with two coming along at once. Or I should be 6 months pregnant with one baby, because one of them didn't make it but the other one kept fighting to be in this world with us. But I won't be pregnant at Christmas, and that will be really, really hard.

I don't really know what my aim was with the blog post, I don't have any tips for making these occasions any easier because I haven't figured that out for myself yet. I guess I'm just thinking out loud, because I'm not sure it will ever get easier. Not until the day we have that missing piece of the puzzle to complete our little family, when I can exchange those knowing glances with other mums and Christmas can be my favourite time of the year once again.

Becca x

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