Monday, 12 September 2016

The Beginning

Hello everyone, and thanks for joining me on my little corner of the internet. I should probably start at the beginning and give you some background...My husband Andrew and I have been together for 10 years, married for 2, and met back in school many, many moons ago. We are currently in the process of buying a cottage which we hope to do up to Pinterest standards (a girl can dream), and we have a little diva dog called Daisy who you will hear mentioned far too frequently I'm sure. You can see her there below (Look at that pose, I told you she's a diva), big thanks to my fave blogging babe and dear cousin Abbi over at Lilypad & Bow for the dreamy photograph!

This blog is long overdue and one I have been wanting to put together for such a long time now, but the fear of people finding out our situation has prevented me from doing so. I don't know why I was so scared, our situation is sadly all too common and one I picture more people than I would like to imagine can relate to. I hope that by sharing my journey it can help someone out there in a similar position to realise they are not alone. I've found just knowing there is one person out there who understands what I am feeling is incredibly comforting and reassuring. 

It has been over 18 months now since Andrew and I decided we wanted to try for a baby, and those months have been by the far the longest and most difficult of our 26 years. When we first started trying to conceive, we had that hope, like most people do, that it would happen pretty quickly but as the months passed by we could tell that just wasn't going to be the case for us, and that our dream of becoming a proper little family might take a bit more patience and fight than it does for others.

Fast forward to May this year and I couldn't believe it when I finally saw those 2 lines appear on the test. I will never forget literally screaming downstairs to Andrew in the living room with tears streaming down my face, shaking like an absolute leaf, and feeling so incredibly elated that it was finally our turn and that I could finally tell him he was going to be a dad, he was going to be the best dad. I had rehearsed telling him so many times, I still have the book I'd planned to wrap up for him hidden under the mattress of our bed, but in that moment I was so overjoyed I forgot it even existed, and after everything that's happened I think that is a small blessing. Those feelings of complete relief and euphoria were short lived and not long after that the bleeding started, my miscarriage was confirmed at the Early Pregnancy Unit and the empty feeling returned once more.

It had never even crossed my mind that after so long trying, the world would be cruel enough to take our baby away from us so quickly. I would like to say that's where it ended, but sadly we have lost 2 more babies since then in a suspected twin pregnancy, one very early on and one at 9 weeks, the closest we've ever come. The book still remains under the mattress, I'm not sure it will ever make it's way out, I can't picture a time I will ever feel confident enough to wrap it up and hand it to Andrew, to tell him for sure, 'You are going to be a dad'.

So this brings us to the present day, stuck in this horrible limbo, dealing with not only the infertility that left us unable to conceive for such a long time, but also the concern that maybe I cannot carry babies at all. I will go in to the medical side of things in more detail in future posts, we are very lucky to be under the care of Seacroft Fertility Hospital in Leeds whom we have found to be incredibly thorough and supportive and we are having all manner of tests to try and find out why exactly we are in this position.

I hope more than anything that one day myself and Andrew will get to hold our rainbow baby, that I will get to see him be the loving, doting father I know he will be, and that one day I'll be able to write all those proud mummy blog posts I've always dreamed of writing. Until then I would like to document our journey, without reserve or pretense, in the hope that someone, somewhere will read this and know that they are not alone.

Before I call it a day for my very first blog post, I would just like to leave you with a link to 'Mind Your Own Womb' by Nadira Anghail, quite literally the best thing I have ever read in my whole entire life.

Becca x

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