Friday, 23 September 2016

The Boxes Under the Wardrobe

Long before I started my blog, I always knew I wanted to write a post on this subject, but I also knew it would be the one I found the hardest to write and most embarrassing to admit. Some people may not think this is a big deal, some may find it bizarre, but to me it is something I've been weirdly ashamed of for a long time now and I'm not even sure why. So here goes nothing - under the wardrobes in my bedroom, I have boxes and boxes full of beautiful baby clothes, baby clothes I've bought for the child I don't have.

When I first started trying to conceive, coming up for 2 years ago now, I was so excited that we were going to start our family, that I almost felt like I was pregnant already. We had come to this huge decision and it was a massive milestone in our relationship, so when I was online one time and found myself looking at the most adorable little baby bits, I didn't think anything of ordering a few things, after all, I'd have a baby to put in them soon wouldn't I?

As the months passed, the box was getting more and more full with precious clothes and blankets for our baby that couldn't be too far away, and the longer time went on, the more I bought. Eventually one box turned into two, and two turned into three, and then fast forward to today and there are six boxes filled with beautifully folded and organised baby clothes, lined up neatly under our wardrobes.

It's difficult to explain why I continued to buy those baby clothes, the more time went on, the clearer it was that we weren't going to have our baby any time soon and those boxes were just going to sit there, collecting dust. It started to feel like a dirty little secret, I felt shame and humiliation for buying those clothes for a baby I didn't have, it screamed desperation to me, but when I was feeling down, for a few moments, that was the only thing that made me feel like one day it might happen. It gave me hope.

Since my first miscarriage back in May I haven't bought any baby clothes, I haven't allowed myself to pull the boxes out from under the wardrobe and meticulously take everything out and fold it back into neat little piles like I used to, and I haven't allowed myself to look at any of those websites that were saved to my favourites for so many months. I don't know what changed, but when I had that miscarriage, and the ones that have followed since, a switch flicked and I can't stand looking at it anymore. It doesn't give me hope, it just makes me feel sad, it's a reminder of what I so desperately want but can't seem to have. Just like those babies were cruelly taken away from us, the faith I had that we would one day have a baby to call our own, was taken away too.

I don't know if I will ever buy baby things again now, not until I have had a baby delivered safely into this world. I will be too scared, especially of the bigger things that I can't hide away under the wardrobe in tidy little boxes and pretend don't exist. We won't decorate a nursery, we won't buy a pram, we won't do the big pregnancy announcement I've always dreamed of doing, and that breaks my heart. All the things I was so excited for when I thought about being pregnant, we will never get to enjoy, not until the day our baby is finally here and a whole new cycle of fear begins.

I have a friend I met on a TTC forum, (she reads this blog so hello lovely lady!), and I will never forget the day she told me she has boxes and boxes of clothes too. It took some of that shame I had been feeling away, and made me realise that maybe this is something a lot of people who are struggling to conceive do, to help them feel that hope, when the end goal seems so far away. So the point of this blog post, and why I have wanted to write it for such a long time, is just to say that if anyone is reading this and feeling ashamed of the boxes hidden under their wardrobe - then I've been there too, I'm sure lots of women have, you are not weird or strange for desperately clinging on to something that might give you that hope, and you are not alone in feeling this way.

Becca x

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