Monday, 24 October 2016

Do I wish we had started trying sooner?

One thing I often find myself wondering, and that is something I'm also asked a lot by people who are familiar with our situation, is 'Do you wish you'd started trying sooner?' and that is a question I still haven't entirely figured out the answer to.

When myself and Andrew got married 2 years ago we were 24, and I guess we were classed as relatively young to be getting married. I've lost count of the amount of people who recoil in absolute shock when they find out I'm married, 'You don't look like you would be married?' ...I mean what does that even mean?! Even now, at 26, I know we are younger than the average to be wanting to become parents, let alone to be dealing with infertility. Technically I have another 4 or 5 years until I become "Older than the average first time mother" but that doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with. People always tell me 'You're still so young, you've got all the time in the world' and I know I am, but that doesn't change the fact I have wanted a baby for two long years and that it is unimaginably painful to see people around you having what you want so easily, when everything you try just falls on deaf ears.

Andrew and I got together at school when we were both 16 and after 10 years, 2 degrees, a career change, 3 houses and a wedding; irrelevant of age, I think we are in exactly the right position to offer a baby a happy and stable life. Maybe we will never know why it hasn't happened for us yet, that's a really big fear of mine. Looking back now I find it so incredibly ironic how much time we spent fretting when we were younger about what would happen if I got pregnant, how would we break it to our parents? How could we possibly we afford it? How on earth would we cope? Now our situation couldn't be further apart and I do find myself wishing we just hadn't bothered, maybe it would've happened, maybe it wouldn't, there's no way of knowing, but I know we would've coped just fine if it had. So I guess you could say in that sense, yes I wish we had tried sooner.

On the other hand, in a weird way, I am grateful for what we have gone through. I know now that when we do have a baby we will have so much more patience and appreciation for every tiny little thing that comes along with parenthood. I see people in our absolute dream situation complaining about the smallest things, and I understand that to them it probably seems like the biggest deal in the world, but I cannot explain what I wouldn't give to swap places, to have a sleepless night because my beautiful little baby is crying, instead of a sleepless night because I'm so terrified I'm never going to get to hear that sound.

And that's exactly why I find it so difficult to answer that question. Do I wish we had started trying sooner? Honestly, I think I probably do. But at the same time, if we hadn't have wanted a baby so desperately when we first started trying, and we hadn't gone through everything we've gone through this past 2 years, maybe we wouldn't appreciate quite how much of a blessing a baby is. Yes maybe we would've been parents by now, but maybe I'd also be one of those mum's I see complaining about things that women (and men!) struggling with infertility would trade their whole life in for, maybe I wouldn't appreciate quite how precious it is to be physically able to bring a child in to the world, and maybe I wouldn't cherish and capture every tiny little moment of my child's life because I was convinced for so long that I'd never get to see it.

I'd love to know what you guys think about this, if you are also struggling with TTC or infertility, do you wish you had started trying sooner?

Becca x

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