Thursday, 20 October 2016

My Weight Story

As I mentioned in my last post, weight for me is a bit of a sensitive subject at the moment and something I have struggled with a lot during the past 24 months. I am the definition of a yo-yo dieter so I have fluctuated between a small size 10 and a large size 16 since my school years, unfortunately hanging around the latter currently. My main issue is that I eat my feelings, when I am happy I eat, when I am bored I eat, and probably most relevant, when I am sad or stressed I eat, a lot. I am probably the only bride in the history of the universe to gain weight before their wedding - good one Becca.

When I first came off the pill 2 years ago, after a good 8 or 9 years of being on it, I never anticipated it to have such an intense affect on my body, but how wrong I was. I had just recently gotten married, I was blissfully unaware of the long journey that lay ahead of us and I was preparing myself and my body to hopefully one day, in the not too distant future, carry our baby - to add that missing puzzle piece to our new married life so to speak. It was quite the shock to find my weight, hair, skin, mood (pretty much everything) were all affected quite so dramatically.

I haven't mentioned it before, but our fertility doctor is pretty sure I have PCOS, and this can be a real contender in weight gain and struggling to lose weight. As much as I would love to blame this for my current figure, I definitely can't ignore the fact I find comfort in eating like nothing else, and my weight gain is largely down to the fact, as I've mentioned before, I have just let myself go. Whilst there are definitely medical factors (both physical and psychological), the main blame as to why I have gained so much weight solely lies with me.

It frustrates me how much I struggle to remain motivated, you would think the thought of having a baby, the one thing I want most in the world, would be all the motivation I need, but often those negative feelings override and unfortunately as I have previously mentioned, my main coping mechanism is to then go and eat those feelings! Since coming back from our holiday however, I feel more focused than ever and have been preparing and cooking all my food from scratch again and I am feeling so much better about myself already. When you are having a dark day, it can be so hard to find the motivation to cook good food and the ease and comfort of ordering in can seem like the best idea. The fact of the matter is it makes you feel happy for all of about 5 minutes and then the guilt sets in and you feel even worse than you did to begin with.

Next week I plan to rejoin my local Slimming World group and hopefully, by posting this, I will be extra motivated to stay on track. There's nothing quite like the pressure of people knowing if you've gained weight to scare you in to action! I have done Slimming World several times throughout the years, the first time getting down to my lowest weight and losing 2 stone in just under 3 months, so I know that if I follow it, it really does work for me. I'm hoping now we are finally edging closer to receiving some sort of treatment for our infertility and baby losses, the end goal will feel a little more reachable and I will feel like I'm losing weight for a real purpose.

When myself and Andrew got engaged on a beach in Greece 3 years ago, I was a good 3 stone lighter than I am now and I felt the most confident I've ever felt in myself. I was still curvy, but I had definition in my face, I could wear whatever I liked and my thighs (my main problem area) were about half the size they are now. I'm not saying I'm going to be a size 8 Victoria's Secret model one day, or that I'm even going to be as slim as I was 3 years ago, but to be healthy, happy and increase my chances of becoming a mum would mean everything to me.

As you can see below, my weight has fluctuated a lot across the past 3 years, I hope by leaving these photos here (the good and the not so good) that I can stay motivated to become the healthiest version of myself and really increase my chances of having the baby I have longed for, for what feels like forever.

07/13 - On the holiday Andrew proposed to me, a 3 good stone lighter than I am now, and feeling the best I've ever felt!
01/14 - I had left SW by this point and had gained a little over the festive period - obvs!
08/14 - My wedding day. I'd probably gained around a stone by this point but I was still feeling pretty good!
06/15 - Jump forward less than a year and I had come off the pill, started my TTC journey and gained at least another stone! 
08/15 - Celebrating our 1 year wedding anniversary in Jamaica, definitely curvier and aware of it but feeling okay!
04/16 - By this point my weight had increased pretty dramatically, probably by another stone and a half and I was feeling very self conscious. Interestingly, this photo was actually taken the month I conceived for the very first time.

07/16 - A mixture of emotions on this day, honoured to be a bridemaid at my beautiful friend's wedding but had it confirmed with the EPU just the day before that I was miscarrying our baby for the 3rd time.

10/16 - Present day, just last week on holiday in fact! You know, when I was asked if I was pregnant but wasn't...Awkward.

It's weird seeing it all laid out like that, and pretty darn depressing I won't lie! I tend to avoid full length photos and anything 'candid' or 'unposed' at the moment so the latter photos are definitely not a true representation of my current weight, but I think the increase is clear for all to see. One thing I do need to do is cut myself some slack once in a while, I need to be kinder to myself and I need to remember that I've been through a lot this past couple of years and I am still here fighting on - that's something to be proud of. Now is the time I can try and do something about it and give myself the best shot at getting this baby we want so badly. I am going to try my very best to not eat mysef in to a coma every time I get some bad news from now on, I'm sure there is a lot more bad news to come on this long TTC journey, but hopefully one day I'll be getting a big old belly for the right reason and this will all seem worthwhile!

I will try and do some regular updates on my weight loss journey, maybe monthly weigh ins to let you know how I've done if I feel brave enough. And if you have any great vegetarian Slimming World recipes please do let me know!

Becca x 

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