Sunday, 9 October 2016

There's No Escape

We're on holiday at the moment, we planned it to try and relax and have a bit of a break from everything, switching our booking earlier in the year from the Dominican Republic to the Greek island of Kos just in case I was pregnant - you know because of the Zika virus that could harm our unborn baby, boy do I feel stupid about that now. 

About half an hour ago we were leaving our apartment for lunch and one of the cleaners asked me if I was pregnant, cradling her stomach whilst doing so to reduce the risk of it being lost in translation somewhere. And just like that, I feel back to square one again.
I've put on a lot of weight in the last 2 years, I could try and blame it all on the stress of TTC but that wouldn't be fair, it plays a big part, but isn't entirely the reason. I could also try and blame the fact I've had back to back miscarriages in quick succession, but I wasn't far along enough for that to be fair either. The fact of the matter is, I've just let myself go, I've stopped really caring. Until something like this happens that is, and it shakes you back into reality.

The gut punching feeling of being asked if you are pregnant when you are not is hard at any time in your life, but when you are in the head space where you are so painfully aware that you are not, the humiliation literally burns all over. This holiday was meant to be a time to get away from everything, and I've tried my best to do that, but the fact of the matter is you can never escape this feeling. I feel like now I have allowed myself to actually stop and take a step back from everything, I am finally grieving for the babies we lost and I cant decide if having the time to process it all is good or bad. When I am busy it is easier, but everyone has to stop at some point.
Everywhere I go in this place there are reminders of what I don't have, by the pool there are families with young children and babies sat under umbrellas, in the restaurant there are women with prams parked up next to them whilst they eat, there are pregnant women strolling around with their neat bumps kissed by the sun and then there's me, who in all honesty has barely left the room since she got here because seeing all of that is too much to take at the moment. It naively didn't cross my mind for a minute that all the things that I find hard at home, I would find hard here too.
Friends and family keep messaging and commenting on how we look like we are having an amazing time, and I feel too embarrassed and unappreciative to say that I'm actually never truly having a good time at the moment, it's always there, looming over me. I know I am lucky to be on this holiday, a lot of people can't afford the luxury, but I would trade it in in a heartbeat, I'd happily never go on another holiday again if it meant I got to be a mum. It is easy to look like you are having the time of your life on social media, but you only put out what you want people to see and I don't like people to know I'm struggling, I don't like to put my negativity on to other people. Looking from the outside people probably think me and Andrew have such a blessed life; nice house, good jobs, a car, a dog...and on the whole we do. I know we are very lucky to have what we have but there is nothing I wouldn't trade in for us to have a family, something that should come so naturally, that comes so easily to others, but that we are having to fight so hard for. 
When I started this blog I was really conscious that I didn't want it to be negative all the time, my 15 year old emo self must be having a field day right now, but the fact of the matter is that this is what infertility and miscarriage does. Unless someone has experienced it themselves first hand, it is unimaginable how all consuming it is, every waking minute of your day is spent thinking about it, and just as you start to switch off and forget it, you are punched in the face and forced to remember it all over again. Today is an extreme example of that happening, but every day there is something that reminds me of what I don't have. I can't go to the shop, read a book, walk the dog, even turn on the TV without some sort of reminder, it is everywhere, because it is the nature of life. I hope to be able to write some more upbeat, positive posts in the future, but for now this is my reality and it would be pointless sharing it if I wasn't honest. Life is just really bloody hard at the moment.
Becca x

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