Thursday, 1 December 2016

A Difficult Life Update

You may or may not have noticed some radio silence on here this past few weeks, and I'm not going to lie, I wasn't sure if my blog was over before it had even really begun. 4 weeks ago I returned home from work to the worst piece of news I could ever imagine being told, my mum has Cancer.

I cannot explain the blind fear that cursed through my veins when my mum sat me down and said that dreaded 6 letter word, still now I don't think I have truly accepted it. I remember stamping my feet up and down on the floor over and over again, and screaming in horror, no no NO this cannot be happening, not to her. It sounds cliched but my mum really is my best friend, I'm an only child and my dad left when I was 5, it has always been just me and her. This is the worst pain I could ever imagine.

I won't go in to much more detail about it, as this is obviously something my whole family is having to deal with, but I didn't feel I could carry on with this blog without acknowledging the biggest thing going on in my life, it had given me writers block as I couldn't think of how to write a post without speaking about it. I've always had this worry about my writing being really depressing and wanting to make it more upbeat, but life is really testing at the moment, and I am having to make some really difficult decisions. I am using this blog like a journal, like therapy, to get everything down on paper so to speak, and to hopefully be able to process things better in my own head.

Finding out about my mum has made my desperation to have a baby so much stronger. I cannot explain it but I just NEED to be pregnant, I need my mum to know that I've managed it. As we all know though, putting this amount of pressure on yourself is really counter productive. I have also been experiencing extremely bad anxiety since finding out, which I imagine will take its toll on my ability to conceive. I experienced anxiety after my last miscarriage but wasn't quite sure what it was so I just put it down to the hormones, but there is no mistaking it this time. I am experiencing horrendous stress induced migraines and real difficulty breathing and swallowing which is such a scary feeling, it feels as though someone has their hands around my throat and they are squeezing tightly. I appreciate that probably sounds like I am completely losing the plot, but the doctors have assured me that's quite a common symptom of anxiety, and is to do with the stress muscle in your neck spasming.

In other news, we had our meeting with the recurrent miscarriage consultant last Monday which was both positive and negative in equal measures. The tests showed nothing abnormal which was a big fear of mine, but I have been assured I will receive weekly hormone booster injections when I do next find out I'm pregnant again, which should assist with implantation. When I explained our fertility consultant had suggested Clomid, so that I would ovulate more regularly, the RM consultant said she wouldn't recommend it for us, that it has an increased risk of miscarriage. So I sort of feel back at square one, like we will just be left on our own to get pregnant again, even though it took us the best part of 18 months to do so the first time. I can't bear that sort of wait again, that soul crushing disappointment every time you get a negative test or AF arrives. I know they won't offer us IVF, or probably even IUI anymore, as we have already conceived naturally, so I don't know what they will be able to do for us, but I need to feel like something is happening.

In terms of the new house, we are still not in yet which is beyond frustrating, we desperately wanted to be in and settled before Christmas but we are cutting it extremely fine now. I think having the house to focus on would be a well needed distraction for both myself and Andrew, and then I will actually have something exciting and 'normal' to blog about too! 

So there we have it, that's pretty much my life at the moment, not really a barrel of laughs! Praying the tides will change soon and things will start to look up, but I am remaining thankful for the incredible friends and family I have around me. They say times like this make you realise who your real friends are, and my god that couldn't be more true. Some have already fallen to the wayside, but many are even more amazing than I ever knew possible.

Becca x 

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