Monday, 6 February 2017

Dear Due Date

So December and January sort of whizzed past in a haze of hospital appointments, frantic packing and finally, the long overdue house move, and it wasn't until I was sat there the other day, in a rare moment of silence (I do my best to avoid those at the moment), when I realised that January would have been the month I was due my first baby. I had been so busy I hadn't even noticed it had passed me by.

The guilt I have felt since that moment is hard to describe, to talk so openly about miscarriage and infertility, but to have forgotten what should have been my child's birthday is something I am struggling to comprehend. To my beautiful little angel baby, wherever you may be, please know that whilst your due date may have quietly passed me by, I never ever forget you. You are on my mind always and I have been thinking and talking about you and your siblings more than ever.
I have been quiet on here lately, but aside from the obvious, there is actually a pretty good reason for this. I recently started uploading to YouTube, something I have been wanting to do for YEARS, and I have been finding it incredibly therapeutic talking openly about infertility and miscarriage - you can check out my videos here. The level of interaction I receive on YouTube compared to on my blog has made me focus much more on that, it is so comforting speaking to people who are in a similar position and who understand what I am feeling, and to receive comments telling me that the feelings I describe are real and valid is beyond reassuring, but there is a lot to be said for getting your feelings down 'on paper' and I have missed tapping away on the keyboard completely unguarded.

So much has happened since I last spoke to you on here, the most notable probably being that January was the month I started fertility medication. Tomorrow is test day and I can't tell you how nervous I am to see if this has worked. How beautifully fitting it would be that the same time my first baby was due, was the time I got another chance at being the mum I have dreamed of being for so long now. I am however not holding out much hope that this is our cycle, having been pregnant before, I feel very different this time and the few symptoms I do have could easily be due to the medication I have been taking. I have 3 friends who are pregnant currently, all of whom have also gone through miscarriage, and I have this irrational fear that we couldn't all be pregnant at the same time, that the world isn't that kind and that something would have to give. I know how crazy that sounds but when you have been surrounded by people who have gone through such loss, it is easy to lose sight of what it logical and it is so easy to be sceptical at how the universe works. I am extremely thankful that something is finally happening though, even if this isn't our cycle. I am so grateful that we are finally getting the help we have longed for for what feels like forever now, and that hopefully this is taking us one step closer to parenthood.

So I just wanted to write this post to say 'Hi, I'm still here!' and to acknowledge my due date, the month that should've seen me become a mother, but instead brought me a different blessing - hope, in the form of a little white pill they like to call Clomid!

How are you guys finding 2017 so far?

Becca x

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